Phases

It's been quite a while since I have blogged, mainly because I rarely use my laptop, and I have been working a ridiculous amount of hours at work. Since my last blog post, I have started my RN position which is the most incredibly overwhelming, hectic, crazy, enlightening, amazing, eye opening, sad, depressing, stressful, and humbling job I have ever done. It's truly amazing working as a nurse. People will truly never know what a nursing career is like unless they have one. I question myself constantly. I question my sanity. I question my career choice. I question my critical thinking. I question my decision making. I question my tone. I question if I'm doing my best. I question if I'm making a difference. 

At the end of the day, it's my residents I care about most. I'm willing to hold my full bladder to treat a skin tear. I'm willing to skip eating to be attentive to someone who needs me in that moment. This job is absolutely nothing like nursing school. It's not even close to clinicals. School, clinical, NCLEX... nothing can prepare a new nurse the challenges she/he faces when she/he starts the new job. 
I hope I'm not coming off as complaining as some people have mention to me prior to this blog. I often times struggle with handling my stress, and talking about it is very therapeutic for me. The point of this blog wasn't to vent about my job. My intent of this blog is to be raw for a moment and try to decipher who to explain my feelings. 

I have been officially single for three and a half years. Of course, I've had some flings here and there, and I do stay in touch with my ex. I'll probably always love my ex, but that's another blog post for another time which will probably never be written to be honest. Anyway, I go through these phases which I will try my best to explain. I'm sure I am not the only single woman who goes through them, but honestly right now, I have no friends who can relate to this. These phases I go through: 

Sometimes, I feel very independent, empowered, even, to be single. I am on my own. I do not need any man to depend on. I provide for myself. I have my career. I buy my own things. I spoil myself. I treat myself. I do not need a man for that. It feels so incredibly powerful to turn down a man who asks me for my number. I have that power to say no, and I say it! NO. No, I do not want to give you my number. No, I do not want to go on a date with you. No, I do not need to tell you why I do not want to. No, I do not want to "catch up" with a man I had a previous fling with. And, NO, I do not feel sorry or guilty for saying no and turning any one down. It feels good to have control of my life, my future, and my dating life. I come home from work to my cat, and that's okay. I stay home on a Saturday night and watch movies with my cat, and that's okay. 

This leads me to my other phase. I come home from work to my cat, and I feel lonely. I stay home on a Saturday night and watch movies with my cat and feel lonely. Sometimes, I wish I had a human companion to come home to. I wish I had someone to rub my fatigued neck as I tell them about my night at work. Sometimes, I want to be spoiled by a man. I want to hear compliments. I want someone to treat me rather than me always treating myself. I want to love and be loved. I miss that. I want that. Sometimes, I feel so down about being so alone. 

I know I am still young. Twenty three years old is young. I get it. However, it doesn't help logging into Facebook and seeing another person I went to high school with get engaged. Or announce they are expecting a baby. Or buying a house with their partner. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for those people. They are at a different place in their life than I am. Sometimes, it is just hard to process and accept. 

I'm positive there is someone out there for me. He'll stumble into my life when the time is right. Maybe I have already met him. Maybe I have already loved him. Or maybe not. My intent of this blog post wasn't to complain. My intent was to figure out my emotions. Maybe there are other women and men in the world who are experiencing the same thing I am. There are times that I get jealous of the women who have always had a man to provide for them, or to build a life with, whom have never lived on their own. But there are other times that I feel so sorry for those women because they will never know what it's like to independently stand on your own two feet and provide for yourself. 

I don't really know how to bring this blog post to an end. After reading this post, I sound really pessimistic and depressing and kind of pathetic. But, these are my real feelings and honestly, I feel a lot better just typing them out. So, regardless of how this post is perceived, I feel better about myself, and that amounts to something.